Just in: Man Attends Wedding, Pens ‘Settle Down: Grandeur or Pauper’

Okay, let me try, as much as possible, not to stray away from the topic – given its theme. I was just 20 years old when I was first confronted about getting married. That was nearly a decade ago. More recently, someone told me I have a tendency to settle for less than I deserve, perhaps.  It has been a nine-year journey after the confrontation, and I still haven’t settled down. Oh, no – you are not reading my journal. But really, what’s a piece of writing without a personal touch, isn’t it?

I vaguely remember attending wedding receptions for the children of my mom’s colleagues when I was a kid. For the unversed – if such a person exists – a wedding reception is exclusively for the people who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) make it to the wedding, and generally for others looking to skip eating at home for two days. Wedding receptions are either held before or after the wedding to present the couple to society; similar to Rafiki presenting Simba to all the animals in the forest. For the unversed, Rafiki and Simba are characters in The Lion King – and if you don’t know what that means, please Google it. I have a promise to keep. While my parents went to meet the couple – assuming that they did – my brother and I went directly to the dining area.

It’s not the same now. Strange how I went from being a kid searching for the ice cream stall, to watching my friends (with their significant others) smile for pictures on stage, and then searching for the ice cream stall all over again. I had recently attended a friend’s wedding reception and there was a long queue of guests waiting to get a picture with them. Or lining up to register their attendance with the couple and their family. To be in a society, you continue to socialise – that’s not an option. Though not exactly Cupid, I was one of the main reasons that they got married now. And come on, I don’t need an exclusive red carpet but I shouldn’t have to wait in the long queue for my attendance. How was I Cupid? Well, long long ago, in a distant land, we were classmates. He broke up with his then-girlfriend after listening to his voice of reason – yours truly.

I decided to sit and observe the guests, because that certain someone said “people are entertaining”.  Decked-up middle-aged guests– wait a minute. Should I judge people’s age category based on the average life expectancy or my own expectations? Fine, let’s say somewhat old men and women were in the queue. The women were fully decked up but not men – even I was wearing a checked blue shirt and black jeans. For cultural context, this piece would refer to the somewhat old men and women as ‘uncles’ and ‘aunties’. The aunties with their gold ornaments and the venue’s warm chandelier lights added more grandeur to the already grand wedding. The uncles with their unofficial ‘stand-up-but-near-the-stage show’ tried to make things livelier with their dad jokes. It was a shame that I couldn’t overhear anything. I would have totally laughed at the best ones and reused it elsewhere.

Whoever decided to make the most intimate and a private affair like marriage and publicise it, salutations. If not for that individual, I wouldn’t have taken my recently bought (on EMI) tablet with a stylus and scribbled my thoughts on a bus ride. But okay, back to the theme. 

There were some people in line, a few waiting to enter the dining area, and plenty already inside, eating. I don’t think we’d need an introduction on Indians in queues and their patience in general. The groom’s brother stepped up to control the crowd. Initially, he did a good job in asking the crowd to back off a bit so they don’t photobomb others. Each picture had a minimum of 4 members. The time it took per picture – including the warm blessings, awkward small talks, a group selfie by the tallest guest, a picture taken by the photographer using the guest’s expensive phone, and then a professional templated picture – was about five minutes at most. Is the performance for the couple? For the guests? Or is it the couple performing to the guests? The queue started to get impatient as the jokes and gold started to fade. The lights were still bright, though. The smartest lot pulled the crowd control representative aside and bribed him with compliments – and it worked. “With great power comes great responsibility.” It was only natural for him to take care of his favourites. The subalterns were pushed to the last.

I can’t fathom that I almost forgot about the live telecast. Two big screen TVs on either side streamed the entire event. The couple was under immense pressure – not just to smile for photos,  but to stay camera-ready for live relay. Someone who really cared about them must have made that decision; after all, if it’s supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, there shouldn’t be a chance for a dull moment. I wonder if we're far off from having a news crawl running along the bottom.

“Breaking: it's the final call for dinner.”

“Alert: Uncle, known for his moral policing, has entered the liquor room.”

“Exclusive: The groom strategically holds the guest’s baby for ‘cute-factor’ in group photo.”

“Update: Suspected wedding crashers confirmed as the bride's father’s second-cousin’s wife’s distant relatives.”   

“The groom’s family calls for a cease marriage as the dowry money had not been transferred to the offshore account.”

Just kidding – we abolished the dowry system. It's a gift from the bride’s family.

Also, just kidding – because we don’t read anymore.

Somehow, I managed to find the groom while off-stage and was congratulating him for a milestone that I hadn’t achieved yet– or couldn’t. Time will tell. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll just keep searching for the ice cream stall. After my due diligence, I moved on to the feasting area. We wouldn’t want the food to go to waste now, would we? It was all vegetarian but loaded with carbs in sweets and savouries. Just the right amount of nutrients to fuel the post-wedding show. How self-righteous of me to write this down instead of simply muttering sarcastic comments like a regular guest. Is settling down with a significant other a milestone or a performance or a mandatory milestone that needs a performance? Must we give up our principles for public expectations? Well, I’m not sure if the people were as entertaining as that certain someone claimed, but hopefully, my writing was.

PS: I would have named that certain someone if I did really know the name.   

Post PS: If I ever do get married, I’ll have a small ceremony, two witnesses, and an ice cream stall. All streamed live, of course, with a news crawl that reads:

“Groom regrets settling down.”

“Bride calls for a cease wedding.”

“Groom begs the bride back.”